This blog is my journal and therefore is meant for the purpose of my memory and for my children. So be warned that this post will be long and detailed. Feel free to either skim it or just wait until later when I post the cute pictures of the last few days tomorrow when the kids are sleeping.
Wednesday @ 12:30am- We left the house for the hospital. My doctor wanted to induce me and told me to come in anytime after midnight. Remembering that my last delivery took a long time I thought going in early maybe would allow me to have the baby on Wednesday and not Thursday.
1:30am- My IV was inserted, oddly successfully on the first attempt, and I was given some medicine to help get my body started. I can't remember what it was called but it helps to soften the cervix. The nurse also gave me something to help me sleep so I could get some rest before I had to "work hard" as she put it. Jesse curled up in a ball on the couch in the room and told me to "wake [him] when it gets interesting".
6:30am- A nurse came in to draw my blood because the first vile they sent down didn't work. Apparently it was too clotted or something like that. I was too tired and annoyed to really care. Then another nurse came in to check me and give me more of that cervix softening medicine. Jesse slept through the whole experience and I soon fell back asleep.
9:00am- Doctor Bourkovski (my OB/GYN) came in to tell me I was dilated to a 3 and that I should be having the baby by the end of the day. Woo hoo! I was really excited to know that within 12-18 hours I'd be able to hold my son. At this point Jesse was awake so I turned on the television and we just hung out. I was put on a liquid diet so my breakfast consisted of juice, water, and chicken broth. Not the greatest, but I'll eat what I can!
10-4:30pm- Nothing really exciting happened between these hours. Jesse went home for awhile so he could take care of Rosalee and get some random errands finished. The doctor came back to break my water to see if that would help me dilate faster. Zeke's head was still really high up so she thought breaking the water would help him to drop and get his head engaged. She said his head was like a buoy bouncing in the water and he was having a hard time dropping down so I agreed to it. It was VERY different than when they broke my water with Rosalee! A LOT of water came out and actually some went on the floor. GROSS! The nice part was after the water was broken I wasn't in that much more pain. With Rosalee as soon as the water broke my back hurt so much I got an epidural within 1 hour. (It didn't help that I was also pumped full of pitocin at the time.) Doctor B said she'd wait as long as possible to put me on pitocin because she knew I was NOT a fan of it. I was very happy to have a doctor that actually cared about what I wanted and was willing to work with me. So I spent a few hours having some mild to moderate contractions watching television enjoying my delicious broth and juice snacks.
4:30pm- Jesse came back and my contractions started to get a lot stronger. The nurse checked me and I was dilated to a 6. The doctor said she'd like to start me on pitocin if we could. I said I'd like to have an epidural first so they put it off.
5:00pm- I was still dilated to a 6 and the contractions were getting stronger so I decided to get an epidural so I could try and sleep before I had to start pushing. The anesthesiologist came in and was very informative. He told me all about the medicine, how fast it should kick in, etc. Even though I had an epidural before I appreciated him being straightforward with me and giving me some information. They had me sit on the side of the bed, bent over, so he could see my spine. It was scary having to think that needles were going to be injected into my back but I just sat there thinking of the nice nap I was going to take. The medicine went in and fairly soon I was out of pain and fairly numb. I was shocked at how well it worked since my last epidural didn't make my left side numb at all. I could still feel my feet but within 30 minutes I had a hard time lifting my left leg.
6-7:30pm- I didn't sleep like I had planned but I did enjoy watching the machine print out of how hard my contractions were and not having to feel them. I was put on pitocin to get me to dilate better and again I didn't feel any pain. Every now and then I'd feel some pressure, but I didn't feel pain. I was happy that I still had some feeling left so I could be able to know when to push when the time was right.
7:45pm- This is when the "fun" part begins... Doctor B came in to check how dilated I was. I was about a 9, maybe a 10, and was VERY excited! I was going to have this baby by 9 hopefully! I starting shaking in my head and arms which oddly made me happy at this point. When I started uncontrollably shaking with Rosalee it meant I was dilated to a 10. Then she made a weird face and said she needed to check me again. As she was checking me she said, "oh no mister, don't do that" and made another odd face. Apparently the weird thing she felt was not his head but his hand. She then explained that right at the last minute Zeke had put his hand in front of his face and was now presenting wrong. If she wasn't able to move his hand out of the way I was going to need a c-section. What!? Are you kidding me!? I've been in labor all day just to have it go wrong at the last possible minute!? She said she is not a fan of last minute c-sections (having had one herself) so she was going to try and manipulate his hand out of the way.
7:45-8:30pm- She tried and tried to move him into a proper position but he was not having it. She pushed really hard on the outside and inside to try and get him to move. I was SO thankful for my epidural and how well it worked because all I felt was a lot of pressure but no pain. Doctor B was actually shocked at how little pain I was feeling. Right when she thought we were good to go Zeke pulled back, moved his hand, and replaced it with the other arm elbow. So now he was presenting like a rhinoceros and was definitely going to need a c-section. She kindly, and calmly, explained to me everything that was going to happen. How I was going to be prepped, what new medicine I was going to be put on, what would happen in the operating room, and how recovery would work. I was scared beyond belief and started crying but the idea of having to go from incision to seeing my son in about 5 minutes did make me feel slightly better. Plus the idea of not having to push and having the risk of hemorrhoids reduced was an added bonus. I was still terrified and just remained still in the bed crying. I told Jesse to call my mom and inform her of what was going on. For some reason I wanted her to know that I was going to have the surgery but I refused to talk to her. Just knowing that she knew was fine with me. I kept telling myself, "5 minutes Marie, it'll only be 5 minutes..."
8:30-9:15ish- The nurse came in and prepped me for the surgery. She explained that I'd be taken to the operating room first and then Jesse would come in later. I refused. I told her that he was going to be with me the whole time or I wasn't going. Honestly did I have a choice? But none the less I won and Jesse got to stay with me the whole time. Jesse got dressed in some scrubs and surgical hat/booties while the nurse was working. Next the anesthesiologist came in and started me on some new medicine. He explained that it would block all sensation from the ribs down and that I should be glad I got an epidural when I did. If I hadn't have gotten the epidural I would have had to be knocked unconscious for the surgery. For 5 minutes? Miss my kid's first cry? I think not! So I was very happy that things were seemingly in place for this unwanted surgery. He also told me that he would stay with me during the surgery, up by head, to check on my vitals and to report on what was going on. He told Jesse that if he wanted to he could look and watch but he had to promise not to pass out.
9:15-9:45pm- This part felt more like 3+ hours but I guess it was only 30 minutes. I was wheeled down the hall to the operating room. At this point my lower half was completely numb so the nurses and doctor had to transfer me from the bed to the operating table. They strapped my arms down to the table and explained that was to keep me still (I was still uncontrollably shaking) and to keep me from being tempted to reach down and touch the baby. They don't want you doing that because everything beyond the blue curtain is a sterile field. But I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be tempted to touch my cut open body... They started to use the sterile wash on my stomach and asked if I could feel anything. I could barely feel any pressure and I had the blue shield up so I was oblivious to everything. The medicine, and fact that I didn't nap, started kicking in and I was finding it hard to stay awake. But I was determined to hear the baby's first cry so I forced myself to stay awake. "Just 5 minutes, you can stay awake for that long! Then you can sleep and everything will be okay" is what I told myself. I asked out loud when they were going to start and they told me that the doctor and just made the incision. Jesse was holding my hand and watching the whole operation. I was very proud that he was able to handle watching it. Especially when the pediatrician told us that he passed out just seeing his wife get the epidural! Time passed and I started to think that this felt like more than 5 minutes. During those 5 minutes the doctor kept saying things about how Zeke was positioned. At first he stuck his hand out and then when she went for his head he turned sideways. When she went for the head the second time he flipped over and folded up like a taco. When she said "I'm going to cut you a little more" I asked if the baby was okay. She said "yes but he's being stubborn and not wanting to come out." For the next 10 minutes both her and a nurse had each one hand inside and one had outside trying to manipulate Zeke to come out. His head was at the top left corned of my uterus and he had tucked it under my liver. To make it better he put his legs under my spleen and was trying to wiggle away. I kept saying, "Oh that's a lot of pressure" to which the doctor replied, "I'm sorry sweetie, I'm just trying to get this kid out." Some point during this time the doctor said, "Uh I'm going to have to make the incision bigger" to which I thought "I don't care just GET HIM OUT!" All I said was "oh okay" as I tried to force myself to stay awake. I started panicking slightly thinking, "Are they going to be able to get him out?" but knew I was being silly and that he would come. With a few more LaRgE shoves I could feel that the baby was out and listened for that long awaited first cry. Instead I heard the doctor say, "get me clamps NOW we need to stabilize his heart" and someone else say, "He isn't breathing, we need to get him on oxygen." Even as I write this, knowing my son is home and safe, I still cry and can remember how utterly terrified I was. Jesse just stared and mumbled, "He’s floppy and blue" to which I let go of his hand and told him to go be with the baby. Then the panic kicked in as I could hear mumbles from the pediatrician and nurses about him not breathing right and still not hearing that first cry. I started saying over and over, "what's wrong with my baby?! What’s wrong; please tell me what's wrong!!" The anesthesiologist trying to help me calm down just said, "He just needs a little extra care right now, but he'll be okay." I heard a faint little cry and then the doctor say, "we need to get him to the nursery NOW." Normally at this point (or so I've been told) the healthy baby is brought to your head so you can see him/her. Then they take him/her to the nursery where they wait for you to be finished being stitched. Not me. They ran by me and someone said, "Here’s your baby" but all I say was a limp ash white blur in the doctor's arms. Jesse asked if he should go with and I said, "YES PLEASE!" to which he ran out the door to follow them. Then the worst feeling came over me and I thought, "I went through all of that just to lose my son?" I honestly thought that I'd be wheeled back to a recovery room just to have someone tell me my son was dead. I know it sounds crazy but that's all I could think. I thought, "Heavenly Father why would you have me go through this just to lose him? If he dies, I'll die. I know that I can't and won't be able to function the same if he dies. Please, please just let him be okay. What would the great purpose for this be to have me lose an infant?" Then I started saying out loud, "my baby how's my baby?" over and over and then started vomiting in my mouth from the stress. I was still strapped in place and lying flat so I started choking on my own vomit. The anesthesiologist put a suction tube in my mouth to help me stop choking and tried to calm me down by saying, "as soon as possible one of us will call over to the nursery and see how he's doing." All I could think was that if he were okay Jesse would come and tell me. If I didn't hear it from Jesse than I wasn't going to believe it.
9:45-11:15pm- My reference to time at this point is shaky but Zeke's official birth time is 9:43pm so some of what I've already written must have happened during this point. The doctor finished stitching me up and went immediately to the phone to call the nursery. She said, "He’s 7 pounds and 6 ounces, a good size baby" but didn't tell me if he was okay or not. I was then wheeled into an operating recovery room where I was told I'd have to wait for about 30 minutes to make sure my vitals, bleeding, etc. was okay. The whole time I was fighting off going to sleep and kept saying things like, "my baby, please go check him" and "is he okay" but the nurses just kept checking me and talking amongst themselves. I don't think they meant to be rude, I just think they had no idea what to say to me. Either that or I was so out of it that I was only saying those things in my head. Finally a nurse from the nursery came and said, "She’ll have to stay here a little longer because the baby isn't ready yet." What does that mean!? Isn't ready, ready for what!? At this point I KNOW I said this out loud and cried out, "what is going on?!" Within just a few minutes Jesse came into the room with the camera and showed me some pictures of Zeke. He was pink, very bruised in places, and had a nice round head. He said that the nurses just wanted to stabilize him a little more before he could come to the regular recovery room. I felt a HUGE weight being taken off my chest! He was doing fine and everything had worked out. As soon as Jesse went back to the nursery I passed out asleep. I woke up somewhere in the hall as I was being wheeled back to the regular recovery room.
11:15-midnight- I only had a chance to call my mom before they brought the baby in the room. As soon as I saw him I couldn't think about anything but FINALLY getting to hold him! I had to be careful because he had an IV in his arm and was bruised on one side but I made it work. Jesse called a few people while I stared at the baby in my arms. He just slept and the nurse explained that they were going to let him sleep as much as he wanted for the night. The doctor said that his body needed the rest and the IV would keep him from becoming dehydrated. I felt fine with this decision, knowing I needed rest too, and sent him back to the nursery to be monitored. Jesse went home so he could be with Rosalee in the morning but he promised to come back as soon as he could in the morning. Within minutes of him leaving I was fast asleep.
Thursday- They brought Zeke in at 7am to get him to eat. I could NOT get him to stay awake! I tried stripping him to his diaper, tickling his feet, everything possible, but he was not having it. The nurse said that the IV fluids may not be making him feel hungry so she'd talk with the doctor about reducing his levels. Doctor B came in around 8 to check on me and to give me a little more details. She said that she had to do a T shaped incision instead of the typical straight horizontal cut on my uterus. This means that I can never have a vaginal birth, I will always have to have a c-section. GREAT! Just what I wanted to hear! I have to do ThAt every time I want more kids!!?? She explained that my delivery was one of the "most difficult [she had] ever performed" and she had no idea why Zeke fought her so much on being born. She also explained that a normal T cut has a short vertical cut but mine is twice, maybe three times, the length so I should only try to have one, maybe two, more kids because of the many complications that could arise from too many births. Don't get me wrong, I've never wanted to be that Mormon lady with 12 kids or start up my own TLC show about having a house full of kids all under the age of 8, but to know that I was now limited but disheartening. I didn't want someone else telling me how many kids we could have, I wanted Jesse and I to make that choice. I started thinking, "if all c-sections are like this, just take out my organs now" but I decided I should wait a week or two before I started demanding more surgery. Jesse came in about 30 minutes later and I told him what the doctor said. He just said calmly, "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" which put me at ease. He had a doctor appointment at 9 so he left and I had them bring Zeke in so I could try and feed him again. After almost an hour of trying to get him to latch on he did for maybe 3 minutes before falling asleep again. Then when I burped him a lot of brown mucus started coming out. I started panicking and called for the nurse. She explained that during the delivery he probably drank some of the blood and that now his body is just getting it out. Freaky, but okay I can handle that. Jesse came in after his appointment and told me some more details from the night before. He said that when they cut me the third time that the doctor "filleted me open on the table" (what poetic words!) and he found it "pretty gross, but oddly intriguing". I am, and so are all the nurses and doctors, still shocked he was able to watch the entire thing without being sick or passing out. He said that they got Zeke to start breathing slighting in the operating room but took him to the nursery so they could use a bag oxygen machine to help him. They bagged him for several minutes and tried to insert an IV at the same time. Apparently he has my veins because it took 5 times for them to find a spot that would work. So he got more bruises than the ones he developed from being shoved out by the doctor. The worst bruises were on the right side and that shoulder was dislocated as well. He also swallowed a lot of blood and fluid from being inside for almost 15 minutes fighting the doctor. It is normal for them to swallow some, but he swallowed a lot they told Jesse. So much, in fact, that they had to pump his stomach to get rid of some of the excess fluids. It took the doctors 30 minutes to get him situated enough before they'd let Jesse start taking any pictures. But as soon as he got some he said he ran down to see him because he knew it would help me calm down and feel better. We both agreed that his lack of hunger was probably coming from the stomach pumping and being on an IV. So feeling discouraged about being able to feed my son I decided to take a nap. Jesse went home to be with Rosalee but he said he'd bring her after her nap so she could meet Zeke. I spent the rest of the day trying to feed Zeke with very limited success. I tried two different nursing shields, different holds, anything the nurses or I could think of but he just couldn't stay awake. Once I got him to latch on for 5 minutes but he promptly fell asleep. The nurse was concerned that he wasn't getting enough protein so she asked if she could try and feed him some formula from the bottle. I am VERY against my children being formula fed babies but I figured it was better than watching him starve. She was able to get about an ounce in him after a lot of fighting him. The doctor looked at his tongue and determined that because of how short it is it makes it harder for him to latch on. So on top of being exhausted he was made with a difficulty to eat, poor kid! So about 15 minutes later I was burping him and he started gagging and spitting up thick globs and more dried blood. So all of the nurse's efforts to get him to eat ended up all over my hospital gown. Rosalee came and met Zeke and LOVED him! She kept wanting to help hold him and kiss him. She even rocked the baby and would sing to him. It was really sweet to see. I was glad that her first encounter with him was a good one.
As for my recovery I did amazingly better than the nurses, doctor, or I expected. I kept teasing that the medicine was still in my system but it was nice to be able to slowly get up and down and move around my room on my own. The nurses still didn't want me to have Zeke in the room alone because if he started to gag and spit up they didn't want me to hurt myself by jumping up to grab him. As soon as I could I asked the nurses to remove my catheter and my leg braces. The braces are compression braces that help keep the blood flowing after you lose ability to move them from the medicine. It was weird to have my legs being squeezed all night on top of the arm cuff. I think I lost more sleep over those things than anything else!
Friday- I woke up at 3am with the nurse telling me that Zeke's IV had started to leak and the doctor wanted them to not reinsert one so he'd be forced to eat. I tried to get him to eat and it just was not working. After 50 minutes of trying I finally got him to latch on for 10 minutes. I thought we were finally going to have progress and all he needed was to stop receiving nutrients from the IV. At 7:30 he came in and it was the same can't wake up the baby to get him to eat issue. The doctor said that because of my incision that I couldn't leave until Saturday (I was hoping to go home Friday night) and Zeke couldn't go home until he was able to eat. The hospital would discharge me and keep him but allow me to have a room to be able to be with him in. I was very happy that they would do that for me but really didn't want to take them up on the offer. I called Jesse and asked him to bring me my breast pump so I could try and get some milk for Zeke to drink somehow. I also wanted to pump to make sure my milk supply would come in eventually. So Jesse came and I pumped a little milk for the baby to drink. At first we tried to squirt some in his mouth to see if it would help him to latch on. At this point he would put his mouth on me but not suck so the nurse was hoping that the milk might help. It didn't. It just dribbled down the side of his face. So we filled the syringe and fed him with that. After giving him the milk they gave him some sugar water (basically IV fluids) in the syringe as well. They told me that if he didn't start eating by the evening they would have to start tube feeding him using the gavage method. They showed me the syringe and tube that they were going to use, explained it to me in detail, and I decided no matter what I was going to get Zeke to eat! The CNA that was on duty gave me a pacifier and told me to teach Zeke how to suck. She said that most, if not all, lactation consultants would be appalled but because of his short tongue it might be the trick that works. So I had her bring me a pacifier at 4:30pm and after about 10 minutes I got him to suck on it. I was mad that he could use it, but hoped that in the end it would work. At 5pm I was able to get him to latch on and eat for 20 minutes! The nurse wanted me to try and put him on the other side but I refused because I would rather be sore on one side then have him struggle to eat again. He ate again at 8:30pm and I started to get excited. The doctor came and told me if Zeke could eat consistently for 24 hours then he could go home. So I had a chance that both of us could go home on Saturday. During the night the doctor said to let him sleep up to 5-6 hours so when he wakes up he'll be awake enough to eat and then during the day to make sure he eats every 2-3 hours. I was happy to hear that because it would be nice to train Zeke to know days from nights from the beginning.
The only problem I had was I told them not to wake me up in the night to give me medicine and I woke up at 2:00am having to go to the bathroom. I got into the bathroom and fell over into the shower/tub area. I sat on the bench and started crying because of the pain. I pulled the cord for the nurse and she came with medicine and tea to help me relax. I took both and then decided since I was there I might as well shower. By the time I was done I was able to get out, by myself, and get back into bed only to be woken up 15 minutes later. I was able to start walking to and from the nursery later in the morning though. Every time I'd walk into the nursery the nurses would look at me like I was crazy because they thought I still wouldn't be able to get out of the bed easily let alone walk down the hall. I also was able to cut down from 2 pain pills to 1 during the day. I had to reassure the nurses that I was okay and not overdoing it so they wouldn't follow me around. That night some family and friends came to see Zeke and it was nice to have people to talk to. I was feeling pretty good, given the circumstances, and was starting to get bored. I was SO glad that my sister in law Jenny came up for the weekend to help out with Rosalee. It made me happy to know that someone could be at the house playing with her while I was gone.
Saturday- Zeke woke up once during the night and after just a few minutes he latched right on and ate for 35 minutes total! Then during the day we had a little bit of a struggle getting him to eat at first because I had to wake him up to eat. But after he ate on the one side he had no problem going to the other side to eat. The doctor checked me and said I was doing wonderful and was good to go home and soon as Zeke was released. His doctor came and checked him and told me that he could go home at 6pm as long as he kept up with eating. So Jesse came at 6pm, we packed everything up, and were able to leave the hospital at 7pm.
I got really bored on Saturday and would walk around the hospital, talk with the nurses, and tried to upload pictures online but the wireless internet was being funny. I just kept watching the clock and waiting to be able to go home. I was nervous to go home and have to worry about taking care of myself as well as two children but I knew it would be better than sitting in a hospital bed! I even started talking with the CNA on duty about what it takes to become a CNA. I found out it only takes a 6 month course and then some tests to become one so maybe one day you'll find me helping out in the labor and delivery wing as a CNA. :) The worst part of Saturday is that Blackfoot can be rather podunk at times. The latest pharmacy open, that we knew of, on Saturday is Wal-Mart and sadly they close at 7pm. So when we got there at 7:15 to find them closed one can get rather upset. I called the hospital and they said they thought they Walgreens has a 24 hour drive through pharmacy so we tried there. Nope. They close at 6pm and open at 9am which is better than Wal-Mart which opens at 10am on Sundays. I called the hospital and informed them that all were closed and the nurse sounded so sad for me. She said to try and take some Ibuprofen and then go to the pharmacy first thing in the morning. She also said she'd make a note of it so if other people are discharged late in the day they can give them their prescriptions earlier to be filled by someone else. Thankfully the night didn't go too bad and I was able to get somewhat comfortable and sleep. But you can be sure that I was at Walgreens at 9:02am the next day!
The recovery process- I've only been home for a few days now but I feel better than I did from having a vaginal delivery. If the actual delivery wouldn't have been so scary I might be more inclined to have more kids. But we'll see, maybe in two years when I don't freak out thinking about it I'll consider having one more child. Jesse and I have always talked about adoption so maybe this is the push we needed to go down that avenue. It is hard adjusting to having two children. Thankfully Rosalee is a saint and listens fairly well to us. I just feel bad when she wants something and I can't get it for her or play with her because I'm feeding the baby. It is nice that she loves to read so I can have her sit next to me and read to her while Zeke eats for 40-50 minutes. Yes, he's discovered food and he's decided that it is GOOOOOD! I am VERY VERY VERY happy to have Jesse home (one, if not the only time, I'm happy to have him unemployed!) so I can ask him for help. He's really good about getting Rosalee up in the morning and letting me sleep or getting Zeke out of the bed when it's hard for me to get up fast enough at 2 or 3am. I feel bad having to bother him for random things like getting a diaper for Zeke while I'm feeding him or letting the dog out to pee while I'm slowly making my way up the stairs. He claims he doesn't mind and that he loves being able to help so I'm glad. I just don't want to get too spoiled with having him around because I know one day (hopefully pretty soon) he'll be back at work.
